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Class 6(66)
Venom: Black metal
10/05/13 || BamaHammer
Introduction
Much like tracing your family tree, a truegrimnekrofuck like me occasionally enjoys looking back the things which made me who I am today just so I feel embarrassed about myself and sad. That’s why I’m reviewing this masterpiece. This is an album that’s always been so bad that it’s somehow awesome, and it paved the way for literally millions of idiots to do some pretty ridiculous things, take some ridiculous photos, and even randomly replace the letter U with the letter V in words.
Seriously, how is this album not on the greatest website on the internets? Anyway, hopefully you’ll find something to enjoy from this write-up. I even included plenty of links to photos just to distract you from my shitty writing skills and the fact that I’m poking fun at the band you’ve spent the last 30 years of your life in your parents’ basement worshiping for unknown reasons.
Songwriting
6. There are a few really shitty songs on this album that you’re going to end up liking. What’s awesome is how this is the album that really kick-started black metal as a legitimate metal genre, even giving the genre its name, and it honestly sounds hardly anything like black metal. It’s just noisy bad thrash that’s performed by three now-legendary idiots who sound like they barely know how to play instruments. Fuck. Yes.
Some of the tracks, like I said, are undeniably catchy. Watch. “Black Metal”… “To Hell and Back”… “Raise the Dead”… “Countess Bathory”… I bet just reading those song titles made a few of you tr00 kvltists out there sing along to yourself. Granted, even a retarded chimp with a guitar could probably write half of the riffs you hear on this record, but that chimp ain’t Venom, bitches. It’s all in the delivery. And at least they were all into it.
Production
LOL. Here’s a story that might bring a grin to the grimmest corpsepainted face. Honestly, I didn’t actually hear this album until like 1999 or so. I was already way into death metal and beginning to explore a little black metal by then because I was so intrigued by the whole Varg-Mayhem-Penis-Stabby-Stabby-Shotgun saga, and Venom was a band that was on a lot of t-shirts. Anyway, I was bored one night and decided to crank up the ol’ 56k and hit up Napster (Remember that shit, noobie bastard teenagers who stumbled upon GD by mistake? Huh, fucko? Huh?) to download a track or 10. The one with the greenest circle next to it was “Countess Bathory”, so I downloaded that one. When I played it, I thought to myself, “Well that’s a cool song, but it sounds like dog shit,” so I assumed it was the bit rate or something. To make a long story longer, I went on and on downloading file after file of “Countess fucken Bathory” hoping I’d find one that sounded like an album should sound like. I’d listen to that bass come in, notice it sounded like a a lo-fi VHS soundtrack, delete that file, and get another one. This shit went on for days. The moral of the story, as always: I’m an idiot.
Ultimately, I scrounged up enough dough just to buy the CD, which still sounds pretty, but by design. Or not. I don’t know. I’d rather not know. It doesn’t sound like it was done on a mini-cassette recorder like some black metal shit out there, but the problem is that all the levels are just horrendously adjusted. All you ever really hear are drums and vocals. The guitars are just a residual mush behind it all that’s out of time and tune half the time. But that horrendously cheap-sounding and careless production is what gives this record its famous charm. I actually got used to it after about 137 spins. Overall, I guess I’d give it a 6.
Guitars
6. Mantas was clearly influenced by Eddie Van Halen and Rob Halford’s stylist. And by “influenced by Van Halen” I only mean in the area of guitar paint jobs. His playing sucks dong. Man-ass’s git-fiddles may or may not have actually been in tune the whole time, but the riffs are actually pretty catchy in all their retarded glory. The solos, on the other hand, obviously register very low on the Giveafuck-o-meter, but he tries to just make some noise anyway. The guy can’t play leads. At all. It’s easy to see how this was the sound that influenced legions upon legions of other black metallers and their dogs the world over. It’s sloppy. It’s ugly. It’s kvlt.
Vocals
7. Is he growling? Is he singing? He’s making noise, alright. Cronos’s shudder-inducing screams are honestly the highlight of the “musicianship” on this album. You can understand most of the lyrics too, which is both cool and a shame. He does show a hint of his British accent from time to time, and that’s totally not very grim.
Bass
5,5. It’s just as shitty as the guitar, but it’s two octaves lower. And it sounds terrible. The closest I can come to describing it is that it’s a toneless, lifeless presence of low-pitched sound. It’s pretty bad. And that’s probably why black metal doesn’t use basses. Or maybe they do. Sometimes. As for the bass parts themselves in tracks, it seems like Cronos just finds the root note and the octave above it and just bangs it relentlessly like a cheap hooker.
Drums
4. Does this guy look like he ever had a problem getting laid? Hell no. Okay, well, maybe. But does he look like he ever had a problem keeping a consistent beat? This guy even says yes. Half the time it sounds like the train is about to derail.
Lyrics
6. Cronos’ tone makes most of the lyrics pretty clear. However, there is the occasional word that gets a little misconstrued and becomes hilarious and/or embarrassing.
Like this:
In the castle known to all,
The Count’s infernal wife.
I thought he was saying “the Count’s infertile wife” for years. The lesson, as always…
Either way, there are some classic lines…:
_Lay down your soul to the gods rock `n’ roll _
…and some terrible lines:
Freaking so wild, nobody’s mild,
Giving it all that you’ve got.
Or:
Teacher caught me masturbating
Underneath the desk.
Yeah, there are a lot of terrible lines. Make that a 5. Okay, 4. 3,5.
Cover art
11. It’s, like, how much more black could this be? Wait! I got it. Let’s put Satan’s face on it. YYYYYYESSS!
Logo
9,5. Obviously, we’re dealing with one of the more iconic logos that’s ever been shat out. It’s awesome, and it’s always been awesome. Just stare at it for a little while. The way every whispy-yet-pointy letter is somehow linked to all the other letters is magnificent. It’s way better than some black metal logos out there, that’s for sure.
Booklet
9. My copy is one of the later editions, so it has some cool photos of the band looking idiotic in their spandex and spikes set in a theme of a newspaper to try and stress their notoriety and impact on the scene. I’m always a sucker for a booklet of cool band photos in re-released old albums.
Overall and ending rant
Well, there it is. This is one of those albums that comes along only once every decade or so that redefines something and puts itself on a whole new level in the great musical pantheon for reasons that are utterly inexplicable. It’s kind of like what “The White Album” became for The Beatles. It’s something so legendary that it’s almost mythical. And as music, it’s not great. It’s not even good. It’s actually pretty shitty when you get right down to it. It doesn’t just suck compared to other metal albums, it sucks compared to other metal albums that suck. But there’s something ingrained in this one’s metal DNA that makes us love it. Maybe it’s the same quality that made me love The White Album. Or Spartacus. Or Mike Poggione’s personality (is thsi lorb billy?). I don’t know. What I do know is that this album is a classic that all metalheads, even the tr00est of the tr00, need to spin every now and then.
- Information
- Released: 1982
- Label: Neat
- Website: www.venomslegions.com
- Band
- Cronos: vocals, bass
- Mantas: guitars
- Abaddon: drums
- Tracklist
- 01. Black Metal
- 02. To Hell and Back
- 03. Buried Alive
- 04. Raise the Dead
- 05. Teacher’s Pet
- 06. Leave Me in Hell
- 07. Sacrifice
- 08. Heaven’s on Fire
- 09. Countess Bathory
- 10. Don’t Burn the Witch
- 11. At War with Satan (Introduction)
